...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
