just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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