so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He? As in you personified your dick?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
