I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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