I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
