Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Sex while Star Warsing is the best