You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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