I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize