if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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