We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
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After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
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I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
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