my phone needs a breathalizer
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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