sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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