Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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