alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
