I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
