apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
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i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
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i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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