My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
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I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
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The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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