I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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