The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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