my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
