Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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