god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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