Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
