She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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