It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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