Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
