How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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