I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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