Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
