i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
