I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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