walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
