dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
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Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
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Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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