I wish I could punch you in the face.
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
