My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
