she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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