My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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