I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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