If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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