i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
