I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
