This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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