I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
