If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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