I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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