Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
