I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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