I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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