All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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