Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
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