Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
