i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
