We're like a lot better than the average bears
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
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