What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
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