im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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