Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
