I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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