i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
