What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
