this boner is exhausting
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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