I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
